Will I ever run like I used to?

Today, I’m starting to wonder, “will I ever run like I used  to again? Sometimes, I have practice contractions, which I don’t necessarily consider a bad thing, since I can still feel the baby moving when they happen, and they give me a chance to practice my breathing techniques. Sometimes, the baby’s head pushes on my bladder, which changes my stride considerably. Think mama duck waddle, yep that’s me! And, then sometimes, the baby outright moves position and that feels very strange and shocking. All of these sensations make each run quite different. I would not necessarily say they are bad, but the do require some adapting to and make me wonder, will I ever run like I used to?

It is quite amazing to think that just one short year ago I was gearing up to run the Boston Marathon. And, today, 2-3 miles feels like a marathon. However, there is a different sense of satisfaction that comes over me when I run 2 miles at an 11:00/min/mile pace now, in comparison to running 26.2 at 9:17/min/mile pace. When I finish my runs each week leading up to my son’s birth, I keep thinking, “Wow! I did it! Another week! Way to go!” When I crossed the finish line at Boston, my poor sister-in-law had to listen to me complain for hours about how awful I did. When I finish a run now, I feel pleased. I feel invigorated. But, there is a part of me that wonders, how long will it take to run more than 2-3 miles, how long will it take to run faster again, will I ever be able to run a marathon again?

I have to admit, I like being in this place. I like the not knowing. It helps me to appreciate where I am at right now. Sure, I would like to plan lots of goals for the coming racing season, but I just don’t know. I don’t know how my body will adapt to all the changes of motherhood. But, I do know that I will be committed to running again. However, the commitment will look different. Just like in my pregnancy, there is another person to consider. He may need me more than my marathon training schedule. And, I will need to adjust. Just like a career or a social life can change how we approach running, so can family and our relationships. And, for me, I have to make this little one top on my list.

So, the question still remains, will I ever run like I used to? Probably not. That person is long gone. However, there is hope in my heart, that I may actually run better than I ever did. Maybe not for time, maybe not for awards, maybe not for the Boston Marathon. But, I do anticipate that running will be something with more joy, anticipation, and rejuvenation. I look forward to what the next year will bring. And, I look forward to the continual change of the person that I am that is happening. My baby and I are better for it. And, if I cross the finish line in a marathon this year, the reward at the end will no longer be the time on the clock, but the boys waiting for me at the end!